Saturday, July 6, 2019

FT. AVRIL

I read somewhere that I'm going to be given the answers unexpectedly. I'm shocked that I didn't have to go too far to actually finally getting one that makes sense.  Well, if you think about it, it did come from a really far place: Palawan to be exact.  Lols.

I've been having this idea that, all my life I have always seen myself working in two personas: the little girl, and the present me.  Just recently, a new character emerged.  We'll call her Avril.  That teen angst girl who's just so full of baggage.  Heavy baggage that I've learned to put in the deepest storage, and yet, here she is.  Out and about.  I've been having a hard time dealing with her presence.  She's troublesome most of the time.  Playing with my emotions, pulling me in rollercoaster rides and then throwing her fist in the air, mocking and just making things chaotic.

Childish tantrums are easier to deal with than this teenage angst.

That's the only context I gave wabbit.  And that's all he needed to know.

He started out asking: so what's wrong with that? She's still you right? Stop fighting it and just let it out.  If she wants to be heavy, let her be.  Why do you want to suppress her?  As long as you're in control, you should accept the fact that she's there and she's a part of your life.  She's a part of who you are now. (this struck me big time…)

I have never wanted to acknowledge that.  I mean, I probably have, but she has never had any control in my life, until now.

Out of all the possible personalities that should pop up, it's a little bothersome to be having her presence right now.  She has all the drama, the traumas, the flaws, the mistakes, the mess ups, the heartbreaks… everything that I wanted buried, she brought up with her.  Why???

IT'S A LITTLE STUPID TO BE ASKING THIS. OF COURSE, I KNOW WHY. (but that's another story to tell)

Rabbit's response is the one I've always wanted to hear. Correction, needed to hear.  For some reason, everyone else told me to put her back in the box.  But he said, I NEED TO REEXAMINE HER PRESENCE.  If I have to wear her as a bracelet, a charm, or whatever, let her stay.  Because her presence, could mean something. Maybe a lesson I missed… or needed to see again. It's annoying, but yeah… I think I need her so I wouldn't be too harsh… or not.

I need her… to remind me.  Life is harsh.  And that at some point in your life, you were able to deal with a lot of bullshit.  It brought you down, it made you angry, it made you fight back.

Fight back.

No matter how chaotic she is, she has always been the fighter.  She was always asleep because you have always been strong.  Now that you're feeling a little weaker, she rises up to kick your ass into reality.  She has always been your source of strength.  Remind yourself.  SHE FOUGHT SO YOU CAN BE PATIENT. SO YOU CAN FEEL LOVE. SHE IS THE CONTRAST OF PEACE, BUT YET, SHE IS THE REASON WHY YOU WANTED TO BE OKAY.  YOU WANTED TO BE OKAY, FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

LET HER STIR YOU A BIT. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU NEED TO REMEMBER: HOW TO BECOME STRONGER. BE THE REBEL THAT SHE WAS AGAINST WHATEVER IS MAKING YOU DOUBT YOURSELF.


A REBEL… AH YEAH. There's the key were looking for. Gotcha!

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