That Invisible String

Trusting. After being broken a few times, you'll start believing that this couldn't be it. You start trying to find clues that the universe is more than just giving you lessons, and can't be giving you all these pain and failed relationships just to make you suffer. There must be something else out there that will truly hold your heart.

A string that pulled me

Out of all the wrong arms, right into that dive bar 

Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire 

Chains around my demons 

Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold Tied me to you

Before our life ends, believing is the only way we can manifest true feelings, happiness and love to come our way. It all starts with finding what you truly want for yourself, first, and clearing the unnecessary. It always does however cliché it may sound.

Time, mystical time

Cutting me open, then healing me fine

And just like this song, simply believing that someone out there might actually be tied with you and allowing the universe to just show this to you at the right time, is more than enough tug to keep our thoughts hopeful… it can be fun to get surprises, so, let's just leave them to it, and go with the flow. See where everything leads.. just jumping to the unknown. Trust, and believe. <3

Mirrorball Feels

In a haze, I felt stripped naked with this song. It's a bit mysterious for me to be able to relate to anything that feels as if someone had seen me or my story and wrote about it. It's like exposing your soul.  Ah.. Aren't these the wonders of artworks and pieces? To be able to reflect something that you thought is well hidden and uniquely you.

"I want you to know

I'm a mirrorball

I'll show you every version of yourself tonight"

 

It had been a struggle to view yourself as someone reflecting everyone thru your personality. I've always considered it both as a gift and a curse. The idea of not being seen for who you are, because you are seen differently every time. Often they see themselves, and not you. There's a certain turning point of overcoming the envy whenever you realize the mirrored version of themselves actually fixes them, and you are left hanging or stuck at a void, confused whether you've lost yourself in the process.

"And when I break, it's in a million pieces"

 Let's not discount the fact of getting sidelined sometimes just because they end up projecting their own insecurities and fears on you unconsciously. The push and pull of people depending on who they are at the moment, and whether they can take the heat to which you are taught to adjust. To change to fit their needs. And you sort of, just get used to it. It felt like a means to survive for awhile.

"I want you to know

I'm a mirrorball

I can change everything about me to fit in"

 

Most of the time, you go through a never ending cycle of finding yourself over and over again every time a situation ends.  You hold on to the consolation of knowing there will always be a lesson to learn in all these.

 

I believe I've always known this for so long… but it was just recently that I've actually tried to see the bigger picture of it all. For some reason, it felt like I faced another mirror and saw that instead of just reflecting, I shined. Who would've thought that seeing yourself, and being able to bring out bits of finally seeing a chance to shed some authenticity through those mirrors would change your view.

"You are not like the regulars

The masquerade revelers

Drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten"

 

I saw myself. I saw my growth. I saw who I was before, and who I can become. Who I've wanted to be all this time. I am a mirror, but, I now know how to maneuver without getting lost through it all. I embraced the fact that when everyone is gone, I am dancing on my own shining more than ever knowing I've served my purpose.

 

This time around, instead of shying away, I've become more eager to help mirror anyone who might need it. Who comes forward and accepts it for what it is, the same way I did. And finally, to not expect everyone to understand. To not force them to get it. Some people will runaway, and it is not your job to chase them. Allow only those that will help mold you to be a better version of yourself, making sure that you are doing the same for them.

 

This way, we will all shine. If we keep trying… we just might be able to do so.

 

And maybe, just maybe… you'd find the right person, who'd shed that light on you with no effort, that will make you shine all the way through. <3

"Hush, when no one is around, my dear

You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes

Spinning in my highest heels, love

Shining just for you"

 

FT. AVRIL

I read somewhere that I'm going to be given the answers unexpectedly. I'm shocked that I didn't have to go too far to actually finally getting one that makes sense.  Well, if you think about it, it did come from a really far place: Palawan to be exact.  Lols.

I've been having this idea that, all my life I have always seen myself working in two personas: the little girl, and the present me.  Just recently, a new character emerged.  We'll call her Avril.  That teen angst girl who's just so full of baggage.  Heavy baggage that I've learned to put in the deepest storage, and yet, here she is.  Out and about.  I've been having a hard time dealing with her presence.  She's troublesome most of the time.  Playing with my emotions, pulling me in rollercoaster rides and then throwing her fist in the air, mocking and just making things chaotic.

Childish tantrums are easier to deal with than this teenage angst.

That's the only context I gave wabbit.  And that's all he needed to know.

He started out asking: so what's wrong with that? She's still you right? Stop fighting it and just let it out.  If she wants to be heavy, let her be.  Why do you want to suppress her?  As long as you're in control, you should accept the fact that she's there and she's a part of your life.  She's a part of who you are now. (this struck me big time…)

I have never wanted to acknowledge that.  I mean, I probably have, but she has never had any control in my life, until now.

Out of all the possible personalities that should pop up, it's a little bothersome to be having her presence right now.  She has all the drama, the traumas, the flaws, the mistakes, the mess ups, the heartbreaks… everything that I wanted buried, she brought up with her.  Why???

IT'S A LITTLE STUPID TO BE ASKING THIS. OF COURSE, I KNOW WHY. (but that's another story to tell)

Rabbit's response is the one I've always wanted to hear. Correction, needed to hear.  For some reason, everyone else told me to put her back in the box.  But he said, I NEED TO REEXAMINE HER PRESENCE.  If I have to wear her as a bracelet, a charm, or whatever, let her stay.  Because her presence, could mean something. Maybe a lesson I missed… or needed to see again. It's annoying, but yeah… I think I need her so I wouldn't be too harsh… or not.

I need her… to remind me.  Life is harsh.  And that at some point in your life, you were able to deal with a lot of bullshit.  It brought you down, it made you angry, it made you fight back.

Fight back.

No matter how chaotic she is, she has always been the fighter.  She was always asleep because you have always been strong.  Now that you're feeling a little weaker, she rises up to kick your ass into reality.  She has always been your source of strength.  Remind yourself.  SHE FOUGHT SO YOU CAN BE PATIENT. SO YOU CAN FEEL LOVE. SHE IS THE CONTRAST OF PEACE, BUT YET, SHE IS THE REASON WHY YOU WANTED TO BE OKAY.  YOU WANTED TO BE OKAY, FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

LET HER STIR YOU A BIT. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU NEED TO REMEMBER: HOW TO BECOME STRONGER. BE THE REBEL THAT SHE WAS AGAINST WHATEVER IS MAKING YOU DOUBT YOURSELF.

A REBEL… AH YEAH. There's the key were looking for. Gotcha!

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