I read somewhere
that I'm going to be given the answers unexpectedly. I'm shocked that I didn't
have to go too far to actually finally getting one that makes sense. Well, if you think about it, it did come from
a really far place: Palawan to be exact.
Lols.
I've been having
this idea that, all my life I have always seen myself working in two personas:
the little girl, and the present me.
Just recently, a new character emerged.
We'll call her Avril. That teen
angst girl who's just so full of baggage.
Heavy baggage that I've learned to put in the deepest storage, and yet,
here she is. Out and about. I've been having a hard time dealing with her
presence. She's troublesome most of the
time. Playing with my emotions, pulling
me in rollercoaster rides and then throwing her fist in the air, mocking and
just making things chaotic.
Childish tantrums
are easier to deal with than this teenage angst.
That's the only
context I gave wabbit. And that's all he
needed to know.
He started out
asking: so what's wrong with that? She's still you right? Stop fighting it and
just let it out. If she wants to be
heavy, let her be. Why do you want to
suppress her? As long as you're in
control, you should accept the fact that she's there and she's a part of your
life. She's a part of who you are now.
(this struck me big time…)
I have never wanted
to acknowledge that. I mean, I probably
have, but she has never had any control in my life, until now.
Out of all the
possible personalities that should pop up, it's a little bothersome to be
having her presence right now. She has
all the drama, the traumas, the flaws, the mistakes, the mess ups, the
heartbreaks… everything that I wanted buried, she brought up with her. Why???
IT'S A LITTLE STUPID
TO BE ASKING THIS. OF COURSE, I KNOW WHY. (but that's another story to tell)
Rabbit's response is
the one I've always wanted to hear. Correction, needed to hear. For some reason, everyone else told me to put
her back in the box. But he said, I NEED
TO REEXAMINE HER PRESENCE. If I have to
wear her as a bracelet, a charm, or whatever, let her stay. Because her presence, could mean something.
Maybe a lesson I missed… or needed to see again. It's annoying, but yeah… I
think I need her so I wouldn't be too harsh… or not.
I need her… to
remind me. Life is harsh. And that at some point in your life, you were
able to deal with a lot of bullshit. It
brought you down, it made you angry, it made you fight back.
Fight back.
No matter how
chaotic she is, she has always been the fighter. She was always asleep because you have always
been strong. Now that you're feeling a
little weaker, she rises up to kick your ass into reality. She has always been your source of
strength. Remind yourself. SHE FOUGHT SO YOU CAN BE PATIENT. SO YOU CAN
FEEL LOVE. SHE IS THE CONTRAST OF PEACE, BUT YET, SHE IS THE REASON WHY YOU
WANTED TO BE OKAY. YOU WANTED TO BE
OKAY, FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
LET HER STIR YOU A
BIT. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU NEED TO REMEMBER: HOW TO BECOME STRONGER. BE THE
REBEL THAT SHE WAS AGAINST WHATEVER IS MAKING YOU DOUBT YOURSELF.
A REBEL… AH YEAH.
There's the key were looking for. Gotcha!
