Puffy Eyes

I couldn't help it. The tears simply flowed. I wanted to throw everything I could get my hands on, but I was stuck suffocating my screams with a pillow. There are things that I wish I don't feel. Thoughts that I wish would leave me. Hoping I could ignore what I want, and what I need.

I also hope to create a box around me. The ones where I could always run to at times like this. I want to contain myself. I don't wanna feel. I just want to stay okay.

Whenever I feel as bad as this I hear echoes of mockery inside my head. I fight with myself within my thoughts. How I pray it was more like a challenging fight with me, but no... it is all but a rage of emotions.

They think it's that easy to control and let loose. To ignore and move on. I'm asked to throw away these thoughts and emotions as if it's something tangible that you can hold. If only it really was that easy. I'm not like them... in control.

IF ONLY I COULD... why wouldn't I, right?

I want to sleep again. My mind had been awake all throughout my supposed sleep. My heart still feels heavy. I have prayed for comfort last night. I asked God to cloak me with warm feelings. I begged Him to stop my heart from breaking without reason. I begged I knew what to believe. I begged... that everything will be alright. I don't wanna hurt. I've had enough the past year, and the years before that. I've done so much, I've been through a lot. I'm tired already.

I just want to be okay. Please. Let me be.

And then there’s something to look forward to…

A special friend and I have this dream of becoming one of the best teams there could be in our alter ego world. But that dream requires a lot of conviction, determination and experience from my part. I dare not complain this early, but looking forward? I can only imagine what’s beyond the wall after I climb up those eerie staircases that await me.

Getting there seems easy with the environment I’m in. The people I meet are perfect tools and the resources are quite bountiful. However, there’s a deeper meaning I have to harness on my own. I have to gain that self esteem needed for that dream. Having to talk to people, be around them and all that isn’t sufficient as far as I can describe my status right now. Or then again, maybe I just lack practice.

More than that, I have to learn a lot more to flourish the skill I need to earn. I need more than just the will. There should be the drive to do it, the inspiration for it, and an adequate amount of space and time to deliver.

This is just one of the many dreams I have stored in my future. The fact that I have this option and I believe I’ll have someone beside me for this makes me feel good inside, and quite blessed. Hopefully though, from all these dreams, I’ll find the right one to grab on to.

But this one that I just mentioned? Is quite intriguing even for me, and I like it that way.

Birthday? Burjer! Burjer!

It's funny. Unlike my previous birthdays, today seemed simple enough for me to appreciate. I didn't expect too much greetings nor a party. I just want to see the simplest blessings I will be given today... and though the day isn't over yet, I'm pretty sure I'm already having a blast of butterflies in my stomach because I am truly touched.

Birthday greetings from friends and families began weeks ago right after good 'ol friendster notified my friends' list about my upcoming birthday. So a warm thank you to the early bird greetings from Jonna (my cousin), Yatoy (an artist friend), Tita Che (Ivan's mother), and Dunstan (another cousin)...

One of the best advance gifts I got was from my lovely little sister, whom, knowing my birthday would be on a Saturday, already brought the cake after her school hours yesterday. My sister who is 11 years old, surprised me with a mini chocolate roll (how come she has more money than I do?) from Graceland. What's great about it is amidst its being a roll type of cake, it actually had icing greetings: "Happy Birthday Ate!" on one side, and a "from: Sami" text on the other. Isn't that just sweet? (literally, with the chocolate and all...lol!)

Yesterday also, I received a couple of text message greetings before midnight (they probably thought it was already midnight) from more cousins and a surprise call from my Habibi who is now in Oman. That call is basically what made my special day a lot more brighter than I had expected it to be.

A midnight-to-be-exact celebration also took me by surprise in the company of my dear friends, Frank and Ajhie with new found friend Sean, MJ's friend and Roy (another artist friend) in my hangout cafe, bar & gallery: Chateau Nouveau. A follow up celebration will take place again there later tonight.

More thank you's are sent out to my Facebook friends' greetings, Mam Janette (touched talaga ko for the effort, greetings na sa facebook pati sa comment ko sa previous post greet ulit! I feel so loved! hehe! Thank you po!), and Belissima Karen (my cousin).

To the Rotaractors of Rotaract Legazpi Central (especially Mace who had been screaming burjer! burjer! sa yahoogroup mail about it...), and Jonna again for messaging me in ym the same burjer theme... big thank you!

Percy, tere! As always, you never miss a birthday greeting, thanks a lot!

My family... I love you so much! Thanks for the spaghetti, and the allowance (Mom) that I'll be asking from you later so I can treat my friends... Hehe... Advanced thank you!

To everyone who became a part of my life the past year, I am truly blessed to have experienced and learned everything that was given to me through all of you.

Dear Lord, again another year, my heartfelt gratitude for giving me this life. May you continuously shower me with enough wisdom to be able to be thankful always for your mercy, your blessings, and everything that I should always be aware of.

To everyone, Maraming maraming salamat po for making me special sainyo!


excess:

Now, if possible... pwede ba magparegalo ng Lenovo Ideapad S10? hehehe...

ciao!!!!